nickbennett_blog

Category: Football

  • Super Mega Soccer League

    Super Mega Soccer League

    After Ian Ayre‘s comments about Liverpool FC monopolising the foreign TV rights, it also came out that foreign ownership could force there to be no relegation/promotion from the Premier League. This got my blood boiling to truly molten levels. It inspired my new sci-fi novel…enjoy!

    The year is 2045 and I’m sitting with the grandkids at 7am for the live football. It was decided that everyone using GMT would have to get up at this God-forsaken hour just to accommodate the rest of the World’s need for live action! The 100-inch 4D TV blurts out in a strong American accent ‘Live from Dubai, Barcelona Bears vs Munich Monarchs! That’s right folks it’s day 4 of the Super Soccer League’ I look up to see my eldest grandson wearing a Munich jersey. I tut loudly in his direction.

    ‘What?’ he asks.
    ‘You do realise that Bayern Munich is German?’.
    ‘Not anymore you old fool’ he beams back.

    The TV is showing the league table with only 8 teams still in existence. The London Lions are the only team left that I feel any sort of affiliation with. Especially since international football was cancelled because the players just ‘couldn’t be bovered’ anymore. Once every 4 years, the Lions come to London to play a game. There’s a lottery draw to decide which lucky 4000 non-corporate supporters can go.

    ‘You do realise we used to have a stadium just down the road don’t you’ I mention when the commentary cuts for yet another ad break.
    ‘Really grandad? Did the Madrid Matadors ever play there?’
    ‘erm no, we had our very own team called Southend United’
    ‘What a stupid name! Doesn’t have any threatening nouns in it’

    I decide not to mention the shrimp association.

    ‘Back then of course the names just represented the geological location of the team. They also played 50% of their games at their own stadium!’
    ‘Wow, how on earth did we manage to get enough prawns in for all of those spectators?’
    ‘Back then we used to call them fans and prawn sandwiches weren’t high on the menu. Football was a working-class thing’.

    The kids both look at me as if I’m completely mad. I continue regardless ‘you could buy a ticket watch some football and enjoy a burger, and a beer and still have enough for the bus fare home’. At this point, the ad break finishes and their attention is instantly pulled back to the large screen. The game kicks off and almost instantly there’s a challenge in the area that looks like a penalty. The game stops and the TV screen flashes ‘penalty?’. The two boys fight for the remote control to select their preferred outcome. Meanwhile, the channel cuts to another advert to give the general public time to decide on the penalty claim. I delicately place both barrels of the shotgun into my mouth and cock the hammer…

    I know what you’re thinking ‘surely shotguns won’t exist that far in the future’ but it’s a working progress.

    If we keep heading in this direction and allow foreign businessmen to have their way this bleak future will become a reality. You have been warned!

  • The winner is Sepp Blatter

    The winner is Sepp Blatter

    No, not the competition to find the world’s biggest numpty. No, unfortunately, this competition is for who will be in charge of running the greatest sport. He opposes technology which our beloved game is crying out for. He belittles women by stating that the women’s game could benefit ‘if they wore shorter shorts’. And thinks homosexuals should  ‘refrain from sexual activity’ while in Qatar. What century are we living in?

    Like everything in life, I try to look at things from a neutral perspective. I’m sure a lot of people believe the English are now coming across as sour grapes due to our disastrous world cup bid. But hang on, if Qatar had bribed their way to victory then why even allow us to enter? What a waste of time, money and Bryl Cream (remember David Beckham was involved). It’s good to see Australia (another stung nation) is demanding the money it spent on its bid back.

    I watched the poor FA representative say his bit in front of the baying wolves amongst the FIFA delegates. Then countries like Cyprus started sticking the knife in. I assume this is revenge for us tearing up Ayia Napa since the 90s. I can’t wait to give all these nations the bird when Sepp Blatter and his Forth Reich movement comes sweeping into their nation. OK probably gone a bit too far there, but there are some cultural points to be raised. Our nation has a live by the sword die by the sword approach to what we deem to be fair. Maybe a guilt trip since our empirical past but at the end of the day a good attitude to adopt. This is why we seem to commit so many troops to campaigns around the world to liberate them from tyranny (nothing to do with oil, purely coincidence)

    To bring fairness to the World Cup process it should do a cycle globally so that everyone gets a chance to host. FIFA should set out the requirements to be considered to host the thing. This would include stadiums, travel networks, hotels and policing. The globe should be divided into 4 sections and all of the eligible countries for each section should be put into a hat. A nation from each section of the globe is pulled out at random. The 1st section winner will be the next world cup host, the 2nd section winner will be the host of the world cup in 8 years’ time and so on and so forth. These nations are then excluded in the next round of World Cup draws. If you make a complete hash of the tournament then you miss a go. I’m not at all upset that Russia and Qatar have the World Cup gig. They’ve never had it before so that’s fair. The process to get to this result has to change though.

    How can the current system of schmoozing overly corrupt bureaucrats into voting for you be the process we currently adopt? FIFA is an organisation that apparently is built on ‘fair play‘?!? I guess ballot papers with 1 fucking name on it is also fair. Even if everyone abstained from voting I’m fairly certain Sepp would have voted and ‘Yeh! I won again!’ would be the scream at the end. Sepp Blatter is a complete hypocrite that we are now stuck with until the next FIFA elections. Given the choice of standing up against Sepp and his cronies or toeing the line I know which one I’m in favour of!

  • Follow Up

    In my last post I mentioned someone whose season card was confiscated. That person wishes to remain anonymous but here is Bob’s update.

    Chaps,

    To save me explaining it 10 times later, see below.

    I had a letter from Nigel the Finance Director of SUFC on my doorstep when I got in last night. It said that I owe them £305, that they did not know why I hadn’t paid and that if I didn’t pay within 7 days then I would be taken to court. It also said “The club depends on debts being paid on time” (which is presumably why they didn’t set up the direct debit as instructed and never pay the government when they owe them).

    Spoke to Nigel who apologised for threatening to take me to court and said that the ticket office hadn’t done the handover properly (shocker). I told him that I’m not paying because it’s their mistake and the whole way this matter has been handled has been (at best) amateur. Nigel didn’t like this. Nigel said that the club has acknowledged that it made a mistake and that I was “screwing them into the ground” over it. I explained to Nigel that if I make a big mistake at work then I get the sack. I got the impression that Nigel’s arris is on the line over this balls up. Nigel said that he couldn’t let me off because it would be unfair on the other 3449 season ticket holders. I told him that I was told that I wasn’t the only one this had happened to and that the only way the club would learn was to be hit in the pocket. Apparently there are ‘about half a dozen’ others that are also doing the same as me and Nigel is sending the bailiffs round to get the money. What utter nonsense.

    I told Nigel that he had a decision to make – he can dig his heels in and take me to court and, in all honesty, probably win the £305 and lose me and Fred as fans – or – they can put this down to experience and not ask Doris the tea lady to do the direct debits set-ups next year when I renew my season ticket and continue to take Fred for the rest of his/my lives.

    About 10 minutes later he called to say that he had referred it up to Tara Brady and that I’d be getting a call some time that evening.

    Tara called – “Ello issat Robert?”…… “I think you mean Robin?”…….. “Oh yeah, sh*t, sorry Robin it’s Tara here”. Basically, Nigel hadn’t ‘referred it to Tara’ – he had ‘Blacklisted’ me so that I was not able to go to any more games and that gets referred immediately to Tara with no explanation so I had to explain the whole thing again.

    He followed up his opening gambit with the revelation that the club had indeed “F**ked up big time” and that he “had to have something to go back to the boys with” and could I spread £120 over 12 months? I said that it is now not about the money but about the principle of the way I’ve been treated and he could do one for his £120. Apparently I’ll hear from “the boys” soon. I also told him that I thought I’d had fair value for money so far. How we laughed.

    Apologies for the essay, but hey, what else have you got to do on a Friday?

  • Letter to the Chairman

    Dear Ron Martin, Have you heard this one? A guy walks into a bar and asks the barmaid for a pint of bitter. ‘Sure’ she replies. ‘With every pint of bitter we are giving away a free bottle of champagne and a full steak meal!’ ‘Wow’ replies the startled man ‘..and how much is that?’ ‘That’ll be 50p’ replies the barmaid. ‘I need to come here more often, so are you the landlady?’  asks the man ‘No, I’m the land lords wife. The landlord is upstairs doing to the barmaid what I’m doing to his business’

    The question is Ron, who is upstairs with your wife?

    This can be the only reason why you are dealing with our finances in such a nonchalantly inept way. Our club is haemorrhaging money. The current figure is a staggering £100k a month. A £100k A MONTH LOSS? To run a league 2 football team? It sounds like a task that even Richard Prior in Brewster’s Millions would turn down. Yet you manage it on a monthly basis. Impressive!

    Here are a few starters for you to perhaps plug the holes in this sinking ship. You’ve managed to sell off the programme vendors for what I can only assume is a quick short-term financial gain. Why would any 3rd party want to take up this venture unless they’d worked out that in the long run there’s money to be made? While we are on the subject of a quick buck the brewery-run bars in the ground should also be run in-house. With a bit of imagination, I’m sure we could work out a way of monetising a bar in a football ground. Currently to ensure you receive a pint before the end of the season you have to head to the bar 15 minutes before the end of the 1st half. If you are unlucky you may get the sweet but slightly senile barmaid. Who even with the aid of the calculator and an epoch of time, will try to fleece you out of change. Here’s an idea, tills and more bar staff! Speculate to accumulate Ronald.

    Hospitality: Cordial and generous reception of or disposition toward guests.

    Maybe you should explain this definition to the staff in ‘hospitality’. David Crown does a fantastic job comparing the day but is let down by the rude and obnoxious staff that surrounds him. On the LAST occasion in ‘hospitality’, my friend asked the woman carving the meat if he could have a bit more. He didn’t ask if he could shove his fist in her arse which the look she gave him would suggest. She proceeded to turn the meat around so she could trim the arsehole off and put it on his plate. This with the constant bickering of the bar staff took the gloss, the undercoat and the wood off an otherwise lovely day. Repeat custom unlikely.

    This is the big one Ron so listen and listen hard. Don’t let people in for FREE for months. I know, pretty drastic huh! It turns out some season card holders’ Direct Debits haven’t gone through. Surely some kind of clerical error? OK, so you’d think the best way to sort this would be to ring the cardholders immediately to get this resolved?  Apparently not. I’ll tell you what we’ll do instead, we’ll wait until midway through the season and then demand £300 by confiscating their season card! I can only assume that the meat carving lady is also in charge of customer relations.

    Ron, treat people in this way and they won’t be coming back and more importantly, they won’t be paying the £300 we so desperately need. The Direct Debit debacle happened to my mate although they actually tried to charge him £305 as there was a £5 admin fee. A fee they were willing to waver if he settled up there and then. How preposterous is this! Just when I think nothing could surprise me anymore the club manages to pull another outrageous stunt. It’s almost a test to see ‘how much they’ll put up with’. Not much more I’m afraid Ron. Until you buck up your ideas you’re going to be a very lonely man sitting in an empty new stadium staring out at fields where the main stand should be.

    Kindest regards,

    Len

    P.S. please please please stop!

  • We’re all in the Gutter

    I’ve just read my prediction post for last season. ‘This season’s goal will be the same as last year…survival. Plain and simple. Survival is not just in footballing terms but also in financial terms’. Well, 1 out of 2 ain’t bad as Mr Meatloaf might say. So my hopes for this season are exactly the same. Boring eh, for the third season on the trot.

    These recent months have been the hardest months to endure as a football fan. I’ll take the Pepsi test with any other football fan that reckons they’ve had it worse. Man City got relegated years ago yet still gloat to this day at how hardcore they were when they were in the second tier of English football…yawn! Portsmouth is looking at administration in the face…at least you got something for your money. And finally, Chester City who went completely out of business… erm alright bad example. So to demonstrate the past few months in as brief a way as possible…

    Southend was relegated to league 2
    Me : ‘Still, at least it can’t get any worse’
    Southend release 90% of playing staff
    Me : ‘Erm now it can’t get any worse’
    Southend sack long serving manager Steve Tilson
    Me : ‘Ok, this is it now the lowest of the low’
    HMRC take Southend to High Court for administration hearing
    Me: ‘Right, baring a Tsunami this truly cannot get any worse’
    Southend Chairman questioned on sexual assault charges
    Me : ‘Fine, I give up’

    This week though something amazing happened. I actually received some good news. The HMRC dropped its case against us after it was proven that (with the help of Sainsbury’s) we were a viable business that could meet all future tax bills. Hooray! I don’t know how we did it! We don’t (as far as I can see) have any viable assets. Apparently, even the programs have been sold off to another company.

    Things may be bad at the moment but we’re still alive…just. Our team is made up of all new faces and there is a tried and tested manager at the helm in Paul Sturrock. So I’m making 2 predictions, my head prediction says relegation and administration while my heart says playoffs and a lovely new stadium for next year. So we may currently be in the gutter let’s just hope we’re looking up at the stars!

  • England: The Solution

    So we’ll be hanging on to the ’66 victory for at least another 4 years. I can see us hanging on to that for a lot longer though. My dad reckons it’s because the schools are discouraging competitive competition. I agree that this doesn’t help, however, I think the England team did at least try very hard. They just weren’t very good.

    The more traditional football fan still believes you can win the tournament playing a traditional 442 style. I’m not convinced. The game has evolved so much in recent years. The win has become so important that teams no longer seem to just ‘go for it’. The underdog will attempt to get every man behind the ball and hope for something to happen on the counter. The Final itself was a clear example of this. The Dutch game plan was to disrupt the Spanish, and it almost worked. This made for a very poor game of football.

    With our trusted 442 system it relies on there being space for the wingers to get to the byline to cross. Against Algeria, this wasn’t ever going to be possible.
    So what system should we be playing? Well, it’s up to the manager. What no answers Len? Well until we have the players with the level of ability required it’s irrelevant. There’s a serious lack of English talent at the moment. You look at the world champions and you’ll note that the majority of them play for Barcelona and Real Madrid. Our best players do come from Chelsea and Manchester United, but where do the rest come from Portsmouth, West Ham, and Blackburn. You get the picture. We need to look at the grassroots and adopt a model similar to the Spanish.

    Johan Cruyff introduced the total football theologies when he went to manage Barcelona and the Spanish style of play has also adopted this.  I’m not convinced that style of play is what the England game is all about. Instead of a slow ‘tippy tappy’ approach, we tend to play at a great intensity of physicality and speed. However, when we play at the international level this approach never seems to be part of the game plan? Whether this is due to the foreign manager or whether our mentality suggests we should play in a ‘continental’ manner I don’t know. I would like to see us look at our nationalistic strengths and build on these at a grassroots level.

    Here is my 3-point plan to help build a World Cup-winning side.

    1. The first is to limit the number of foreign players per team in the Premiership. This would force teams to invest in (and actually use) their youth teams.

    2. I would introduce football academies across the country funded by the FA. With the amount of money in the Premiership at the moment, I’m sure this shouldn’t be a problem.

    3. A salary cap in the Premiership has to happen. It’s gone far too far now. It’s time to make these spoilt children slightly more humble. If they move abroad then so be it, they can still be picked for England 🙂

    England for the cup in 2030!

  • Gazza for England Manager

    Mental! I know, but hear me out. I’ve listened to a number of theories as to why England is so poor in this tournament and I don’t believe a single one. The fundamental thing is the players look tense and tired. This pressure is caused by the media’s ‘build them up to knock them down’ ethos (see previous rant). You look at some of the fearless teams (New Zealand being a prime example) and they’ve played well beyond any expectation. Can you imagine how England would play if they were relaxed!

    That’s where Gazza comes in. I’m not condoning red bus jaunts with dentist chairs and meat pies. However, Gazza would make training fun. The players may even start enjoying football again. Can you imagine Jimmy 5 bellies as his number 2, brilliant! What better example of getting someone crazy in charge than the Argies. Maradona has already mocked Pele, and Platini, and discussed his young girlfriend. This limelight is probably welcomed by his players as it leaves them to concentrate on the matter at hand (no pun intended). With a controversial manager at the helm, it can help produce a siege mentality which has proven very successful for one Jose ‘special one’ Mourinho.

    So if we go out tomorrow the following will happen, Capello will be paid a massive golden handshake and we’ll begin our search for another expensive manager. If the new manager is lucky he will see us exit another major tournament early doors. And the process will start again. Sound familiar? We could save our selfs a fortune by buying some Newcy Brown Ales and giving a call to the Newcastle priory!

  • National Disgrace

    Wembley, the history, the dreams, and the £6 soggy pizza. OK, in case you’re wondering why a Southend fan was at Wembley it wasn’t to watch the Quo or to see the Chuckle Brothers (who were in the Rotherham end by the way). It was in fact to watch Dagenham in the league 2 playoff final. The main reason for the visit was to watch Paul Benson (a friend from school) who is currently playing up front for the Daggers.

    The game itself was great. Beano scored and the daggers won 3-2 in a thrilling game. Halftime was a different story! A baying crowd demanded booze from the idle staff. Apparently, it’s essential that alcohol is served at half-time on the dot and not a second before!

    Eventually, I got to the front where the following conversation took place.

    Me : ‘6 beers, a bottle of water, and a slice of pizza please’
    Vendor: ‘Vegetarian or meat’
    Me: ‘Meat’
    Vendor: ‘We only have vegetarian’
    Me: ‘Right!’

    I could sense the angry crowd behind me getting angrier.

    Me: ‘Whatever, just hurry up’

    He proceeded to get the only manky bit of pizza remaining from the shelf and handed it to me. He then started to pour each and every beer individually from bottles. I eventually got my order which cost £30 and I even had a spare 2 minutes to enjoy my £4 beer and £6 rubber bread pizza!

    I’m trying to work out why our national stadium would be so chaotic?? Perhaps it was the fact that the crowd was lower than normal or maybe that Millwall had played the day before (I assume drinking the place dry). The organisers are surely missing a trick here. How often are Dagenham and Rotherham fans going to get to go to Wembley? Why not make it a trip to remember! Without this debacle, fans may choose to come to Wembley for other events like the Quo!

    By the way, I hate the Quo…love the Chuckle brothers!

  • Out with a shrimper!

    So another rubbish season, slightly more rubbish than last as this year we were relegated. You look at the League 2 fixture list for good weekends away ‘Bournemouth has a good nightlife…oh no wait..they went up’. A depressing conclusion to an absolutely crushing year. This time last season we were the in-form team, if our run of wins started just slightly earlier we could have made the playoffs. How does this momentum turn so dramatically? I believe it all started with the departure of Peter Clarke, our player of the season for an outstanding year at center half. We’ve tried to replace him but just have not found anyone even close. Last year we also had a defender called Dervite on loan from Tottenham, who again seems to have been irreplaceable.

    Let me tell you about a guy called M’Voto. He’s the guy that was brought in on loan from Sunderland to fill in this massive void. Unfortunately, his best spell at the club was when he was injured. This man was substituted after 12 minutes during a RESERVE match, having scored an OG and set up a second for the opposition. After such an illustrious start we decided to extend his contract for the remainder of the season. He’s now what you would call a regular.

    Ok, I’m probably being a bit harsh. All the blame can’t be placed on this one player but it demonstrates the difference in quality from this year to last. Poor players with high morale should definitely be good enough to stay in league 1 (think Oldham). The morale of the team was probably a little bit dented by the fact they were always being paid late. The old ‘too good to go down‘ adage was banded about by quite a few of the faithful but I don’t know what games they were watching. Yes, we can keep the ball and play nice triangles and even play a great long pass every now and then. Can we keep a clean sheet …erm No! Can we score at the other end…scratching my head? A lot of teams can win dirty which sometimes is the key, especially at home. We may have been alright if our top goal scorer stayed, but you can’t seriously rely on a single person to get all of your goals.

    So, the last game of the season Southampton away. A brilliant turnout by the blues fans, and the effort on the fancy dress front was great. I spotted a Father Christmas, a Darth Vader and the worst drag act since Tarzan went through Jane’s purse and ate her lipstick (kudos Blackadder). Amusing chants of ‘Where ever we’ll be we’ll be, we’re going to Shrewsbury’, after another wayward strike ‘that’s why we’re going down’, and the same chant again when our physio lost the race with his counterpart to the other side of the pitch. Southampton fans were applauding our crazy antics, twice we’ve been relegated at St Mary’s and celebrated like we’ve won the league. What must they think?

    Looking to the future then. Well, I can’t see the situation changing at the club anytime soon. The economy seems more uncertain than ever, so loans for Football stadiums are not top of everyone’s agenda. So the aim for next year is to stop the rot. If we can hang on to our better players then we should try to do so. If we can’t afford them then we have to let them go. The turnover will be less next year so the player’s wages will be even more of a struggle with gates of just 3500. I remember a dreary cold Tuesday night loss at home to Boston thinking can it get any worse than this. I suppose we’ll see next year, won’t we 🙁

  • Land of Hope and Glory?

    Have the English teams been overachieving recently? Of course, they have! You speak to anyone in Europe and they’ve spoken about the English game as if it’s the zenith of football. This year’s Champions League campaign just proves what can be achieved if you give your opposition the respect they deserve and not what you think they deserve.

    How many top stars does the premiership have? I mean top stars, stars that attract Pepsi. Precisely, last year as a neutral I enjoyed the Ballon d’Or as I had someone to cheer. Love him or hate him Christiano Ronaldo did his bit to promote the English game. Why didn’t we attract more top stars when our league was perceived to be the best? Simple, the weather. I’m sure you get to a point with your ludicrous wages that you can afford to take a 20k pay cut for a bit of sun and glamour. Man U, Man City, Liverpool, and even Arsenal will never be able to compete with the lure of playing for Barcelona, Real Madrid, or even AC Milan. I would have loved to have seen Ronaldinho in England but Milan or Manchester. If my knees were in better nick, my lungs weren’t that of a pensioner’s and I was any good at football I’d know who I’d pick. Well until Southend could afford me that is!

    What about Southend United I hear you shout. Well, relegation is looming and it looks as though our worst nightmares have come true. Depressing as it is watching League 1 on a Tuesday night over Champions League games, League 2 football is a whole new kettle of fish. If we survive financially in the coming months I’m sure we’ll be back. We have a great fan base and I’m sure we’ll keep the faith. Our latest court appointment with the tax man has been delayed by another week. To me, this makes no sense. I’m sure the ‘paid by the hour’ lawyers would be able to explain why it’s beneficial for the club to delay paying the tax man for as long as possible. I think the damage to morale, the further legal fees and the worry of the fans isn’t worth the week’s worth of bank interest. That is if we actually have the amount due of course!

    On lighter news Player are going to do one-off gig this summer so keep your diary free. I’ll keep you posted!